Feeling crazy today

This is of such little use when its used infrequently. You know the benefits of writing. I'd wager its felt right after you finish this blog post. But that's just it, habits. Habits are fucking killing me. Woke up this morning after a rough night of sleep (too much weed, had coffee/quiznos/ice cream all real late). But I did get up and meditate, took Rocco out etc. Should have got to the city, but I didn't. I hung around and smoked too much weed. Mood dropped off, had a bit of a thing with Pat over Shades (no big deal in reality) and it really set me off. Have spent the rest of the day moping around and binge eating (mad nachos and cheese, bagel, apple pie, reeses, brownie etc). This I know too is just a symptom. I don't think it happens when I'm off the flour though. I went for a long time while using rice as a staple without binging. Either way, hates it. Hates it so much because it sucks while I'm in it and then after is guilt. Guilt, what a useless emotion. Useful perhaps as an aid to keep from stealing or doing harm to others. When guilt is self centered though it is merely destructive or worse prevents any action at all. Did manage to do some stretching which turned into some real back relaxation. Need to engage muscles fully while stretching them and then let the muscle determine when it relaxes. Natural, natural is the goal if there's any goal at all. Returning to base is the mission. Having a beginner's mind. Also what's on my mind is the stress of this trip - NONE OF IT ABOUT THE CLIMBING ITSELF. Absurd. Why hold onto this state of mind, is this really of any worth? I worry about what others will think of me while I climb, why? I'm not a bad climber. I have decent footwork, a strong crimp and good reach. I lack a little in the beta department but I have these problems figured out. My passion could use a kick in the ass but I remember the focus I had when I last touched the official. I can do this. What I worry about is the other people there, new people, a new situation which I've never been in before. Embrace it. What else is there to " No, what I worry about is how others will feel about me. I give people way too much power. How often do you think about the guy who climbswith Sarah? Almost never and not when I'm there really at all. So if that's the case then why is this different? Its not. That and there are other climbs there, I don't think its going to be 10 people sitting to do the official. Also bothering me is the hangout with steve and stef yesterday. I felt so completely inept at being a social entity, totally cut off from the way things are supposed to be. It felt akward, not natural at all. All in all I wasted a lot of gas and time.

Forget Trust

Not all trust. Not every trust. Just most of it, and the most of it includes the stuff you probably don't think of often. You trust your brain to remember accurately? You trust your brain to reflect like a mirror when its covered in mud? My thoughts about mind, meditation and the interlace confuse me. You forget that there is nothing sticky. Nothing sticks, its just appears to. Mind is made in such a way that because it is not physical and not purely mental that it becomes invunerable. Yes the divets from the tire look cemented into the road but he's been doing this route for years! Of course habits, perceptions and the general feel of reality feel ingrained, but they are not. When the mud begins to fall, everything falls. For mud is much stickier than what you imagine mind to be. My fingers feel wrecked. Its a combination of cumulative fatigue and going harder than I should have. I can work out moves without doing them with max energy, right? Such heavy days leave me feeling wrecked for two. I must admit though that it was my error, I could have made a ton of rice and beans to eat. I could have done more to facilitate my recovery but I instead took the easier method, laziness. What seems like easier isn't really because it creates more work. There is no hard. There is no easy. There is simply a skillful way of getting up and an unskillfull one. But the dirty class can always shine for the dirt is not apart of it molecularly, it just seems if so. You need to lay off the weed a bit. Its not economical and this shit is not all that good. It'll make you sleepy if you stay on it all day. It will dull tomorrow before it even begins to touch it. Once again its not about right and wrong. Right and wrong are concepts that have been decided by societies and factors, they are conditional and that is not the real universe. In the unconditional universe in which the emptiness of all things is understood it should be clear and apparent that all of this is contrived. It has no real bearing, it can never be touched and as so it needs to be treated like the wind, acknowledged and said goodbye to. Say goodbye to things because you know they are going away even if it doesn't seem like it while grasped in the actual moment. Why can't I meditate? I am holding on to my previous mind. My previous concentration is something I am striving for. Before, I did not know what my conentration was and so I did not strive for it. In knowing what it once was I can compare and I realize how weak my current mind "seems". But is this not like a boulder problem that's not your style? In doing Black Boulder I realized quickly that my ability to sqeeze, hold that tension and move dynamically to something very open hand all need work. I had ideas about this previously but nothing highlighted it like that climb did. Pat did it with ease because its a movement, not a lift. I am attached to sitting in zazen like the zen masters. Why? Isn;'t this silly? Can I name more than 5? No. But the eating, fuck. The eating. There's so much junk in my house right now. It reflects the whole household. I can never seem to turn it down. I once had such an ability to turn it away. But now I live in fear, fea that turning something down will make it exiled and that will mess up my head. I can't go back to that place - I won't. These thoughts don't come out much. In the stream of consciousness its more self-centered, more worried about being a victim. Ego, this self prepetutating psycho survival mode - its detrimental when used incorrectly. That's what it comes down to, things are haywire, which is natural in samsaric existence, but it doesn't have to be this way. Right brain, doesn't that ring a bell? Harmonious thinking, art etc? Moods end man. Already this mood is weakening its hold on you. With mindfulness you can see every mood like this and watch it rise and fall, no different than nations, thoughts and the breath.