Feeling crazy today

This is of such little use when its used infrequently. You know the benefits of writing. I'd wager its felt right after you finish this blog post. But that's just it, habits. Habits are fucking killing me. Woke up this morning after a rough night of sleep (too much weed, had coffee/quiznos/ice cream all real late). But I did get up and meditate, took Rocco out etc. Should have got to the city, but I didn't. I hung around and smoked too much weed. Mood dropped off, had a bit of a thing with Pat over Shades (no big deal in reality) and it really set me off. Have spent the rest of the day moping around and binge eating (mad nachos and cheese, bagel, apple pie, reeses, brownie etc). This I know too is just a symptom. I don't think it happens when I'm off the flour though. I went for a long time while using rice as a staple without binging. Either way, hates it. Hates it so much because it sucks while I'm in it and then after is guilt. Guilt, what a useless emotion. Useful perhaps as an aid to keep from stealing or doing harm to others. When guilt is self centered though it is merely destructive or worse prevents any action at all. Did manage to do some stretching which turned into some real back relaxation. Need to engage muscles fully while stretching them and then let the muscle determine when it relaxes. Natural, natural is the goal if there's any goal at all. Returning to base is the mission. Having a beginner's mind. Also what's on my mind is the stress of this trip - NONE OF IT ABOUT THE CLIMBING ITSELF. Absurd. Why hold onto this state of mind, is this really of any worth? I worry about what others will think of me while I climb, why? I'm not a bad climber. I have decent footwork, a strong crimp and good reach. I lack a little in the beta department but I have these problems figured out. My passion could use a kick in the ass but I remember the focus I had when I last touched the official. I can do this. What I worry about is the other people there, new people, a new situation which I've never been in before. Embrace it. What else is there to " No, what I worry about is how others will feel about me. I give people way too much power. How often do you think about the guy who climbswith Sarah? Almost never and not when I'm there really at all. So if that's the case then why is this different? Its not. That and there are other climbs there, I don't think its going to be 10 people sitting to do the official. Also bothering me is the hangout with steve and stef yesterday. I felt so completely inept at being a social entity, totally cut off from the way things are supposed to be. It felt akward, not natural at all. All in all I wasted a lot of gas and time.